10:54 p.m. - 2004-02-12
It stinks!
Here’s a tip to lubricate social situations. When someone asks you to guess something so they can shock you with how wrong you are, don’t outbid them. That shit is fucked up.

For example, if I see you and say, “Hey Mortimer, how much money do you think they charged me for the groceries that I am holding in this one little bag?”, don’t reply “Ummm…. three hundred and fifty dollars?”.

The answer is $40.56, and that is highway robbery that I can not only no longer amaze you with, but even adequately complain to you about because you fucked up the scale with your idiotic guess.

Example two:

“Hey Baxter, see these pants I’m wearing right here? I got ‘em on sale! Guess what I paid for them!”

“A nickel?”

No, no, no, no, NO! I paid $15 dollars for them and they regularly cost twenty-four. You see how you ruin my image of thriftiness by suggesting it is plausible that I could have bought (let me see…fifteen times twenty…) THREE HUNDRED pairs for the same sum!?!?

Don’t do that anymore.

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