2007-11-14 - They don't like that.
2007-11-05 - Or maybe I just didn't know I was one 'till I saw my reflection with said moustache.
2007-03-05 - Not you though.
2006-06-21 - Who am I kidding, I just want an excuse to wear leg-warmers and wrist bands.
2006-01-18 - Giving Bush a BJ only in Kenyaaaaaaa!
2005-12-15 - But not as far as effin steve effed off.
2005-11-02 - On the bright side, second is the best.
2005-10-23 - They dance the way we were told too!
2005-10-13 - Another Jewish Christ killer? I wonder who Mel Gibson will cast as me. My vote? Burt Reynolds.
2005-09-08 - Christ Chiv! Look what you made me do. And it is not considered retardation if I caused it myself.
2005-08-17 - When it comes to women though, the reverse is true.
2005-08-05 - I could go for a leg or two right now actually...
2005-07-15 - Bu who?
2005-07-12 - The bad part is it against company policy to hump the exceptions and I already have two verbal warnings.
2005-07-08 - In the buildin and I'm feelin diligent.
2005-06-29 - That moron never held a copy of the Koran, let alone read it.
2005-06-14 - Fuck a germ, na'mean?
2005-06-01 - That and the fact that my penis is a lucky charm.
2005-05-20 - I wish I had a fucking word I said that fucking much.
2005-05-05 - You’re not there yet, fuck you too, chill the fuck out and leave me the fuck alone. Leave me the fuck alone. Leave me the fuck alone.That's everybody.
2005-03-28 - Stupid hecka, no wonder people hate you. You are dim.
2005-03-07 - Riches. I'm in dire need of riches.
2005-02-28 - Stupid shit.
2005-02-07 - akes sense, doesn't it? I mean they would have to be a pretty good actor, they answered a lot of questions....and really, who would they pay to do that?...I guess it could be done, but that seems like even more work than just being on the
2005-02-05 - Woo-hoo! My next sammich is on Phil Gordon!
- Dirty motherfucking ratter. Stick your bitch ass head in the cookie batter.
2005-02-03 - Hmm...if that movie w/ Danny Davito and our honorable govenor is right about twins, they must be TINY...
2005-01-20 - ha-ha-ho-ho
2005-01-17 - Poker winnings stand at eleven hundred fifty six, but I’m starting to hate it already.
2005-01-06 - Oh yeah, plus free Shirley Temples in the casinos. What other job offers free Shirley Temples?
2004-12-26 - No double entendres about pussy, that’s too base even for my ass.
2004-12-13 - The withdrawals are over though, maybe I'll tell him that.
2004-12-11 - As a matter of fact, I think I may be all turned around on my anti-nuke stance too.
2004-11-29 - Lunatics run the asylum. Believe it.
2004-11-23 - I've listened to them before. I'm not joking.
2004-05-08 - Either that or it was a doctor and was pissed that I called him mister.
2004-05-04 - I don't like whats left much.
2004-04-18 - Fuck collective reality anyway.
2004-04-17 - Hey, these days I take fun where I can get it.
2004-04-12 - Or some newer funner ones at least.
2004-04-05 - Planet of the Apes indeed
2004-04-03 - And also, is my landlord right that all notice is final, even if ghosts are involved?
2004-03-23 - Well, obviously if they don't want me...
2004-03-18 - Oh we are so dumb.
2004-03-16 - Neither of them ring because everyone else is at work!
2004-03-11 - I could have been watching TV
2004-03-09 - Ouch.
2004-03-06 - Start with the pecker, end with the pecker.
2004-02-29 - All my ex's live in diaryland
2004-02-21 - A krunked and Hyfie evening.
2004-02-12 - It stinks!
2004-01-31 - I am not using spell check in honor of the movie Spellbound, and my spelling stinks almost as bad as the cat lady's house.
2004-01-17 - Maybe I’ll just keep being a working stiff this year and start all that shit next year.
2003-11-17 - who will your gun kill?
2003-10-25 - Of course if you are a friend of mine and drive a hummer, that only doubles the evidence.
2003-10-13 - I am finna renew my gold membership real soon. (yes I know you couldn't care less)
2003-09-22 - yes, i know Eli the third, $250 won't even buy you a stick of gum in the future, but it's nearly a pair of sneakers in 2003.
2003-09-04 - Well, an update is an update. Or sumthin.
2003-07-27 - Farts.
2003-07-07 - A white t-shirt washed in some super form of bleach I brought from the future.
2003-06-26 - Stealing and lusting after old ladies.
2003-05-20 - Not a damn thing.
2003-04-27 - Anyone want to buy a...um...blue sonoma? It'll teach you to enjoy the simple things in life, ie the view from the bay bridge.
2003-04-23 - Cha-cha-cha! Hoody-whooo! Cha-cha-cha! What-wha-wha-wha-what-WHAT!?!? Cha-cha-cha!
2003-04-21 - Still love it though.
2003-04-20 - And my neices and nephews best learn how to walk on my neck to fix these headaches.
2003-04-16 - Lucky to be lonely.
2003-04-12 - Eli breaks his seal! YAY!!—ow. My head. Quit yelling.
2003-04-11 - Man...I really hope that was a staff member...
2003-04-08 - The proof is in the puddin'.
2003-04-02 - Yes, the triple stitched pair.
2003-03-30 - Anyone dissagree with THIS entry?
2003-03-27 - Rhetoric, Hecka-style.
2003-03-26 - So what am I going to do?
2003-03-18 - Well citizens of Iraq, just remember that it was Hussiens fault when you watch you lives andloved ones get demolished. And hey, if you survive you will be free soon! And we never meant for him to use those weapons against you BTW, but don't worry, he
2003-03-03 - This just in--Hussein complies with inspectors, destroys all arms in Iraq including sticks and rocks, steps down as leader, exiles self and dies of heart failure, Bush says \"It's not enough\"
2003-02-19 - Oil is almost as old fashion as coal for fucks sake!
2003-02-02 - What of it?
2003-01-28 - I wonder if Bush's SotUA will infuriate me. I'm guessing yes.
2003-01-20 - I'm getting all the gang tattoos as well, can't have too many friends in the slammer.
2003-01-19 - What if the kick in the nuts is to pre-empt his shitty jokes?
2003-01-15 - Put someone on a list titled \"the axis of evil\", start waging war against others on that list, and be indignant if they arm themselves when a non-aggression treaty is declined! It PROVES that they are evil do-ers! Kill all the evil do-ers!
2003-01-08 - I love my new haircut though! It's sporty, to say the least. Calling my haircut sporty is an understatment.
2003-01-01 - I'm running out of things to write. That's why I am not writing as much as I used to. I can barely even come up with stupid ironic titles anymore.
2002-12-14 - It does? Fuck.
2002-12-10 - Cellophane and cellular-phones.
2002-12-05 - Eli Penis-head
2002-12-02 - Yes, DR. Fix-it. I didn't go through six years of medical school to be called \"Mr.\"
2002-11-26 - Wah-wah, baby Eli
2002-11-25 - Okay, paxil, you kept me from wanting to kill myself, but I'm not so sure the new version of me doesn't deserve to die.
2002-11-20 - I don't care for teeny phones or being a bully.
2002-11-18 - Don't worry foul weather friends, it can't last forever.
2002-11-13 - No lap dances though.
2002-11-12 - But fate still lets me enjoy his dancin'!
2002-11-06 - Oh yeah, is everyone ready to blow up the world now that Bush has full licence to--wait a second!! Free pizza-pies!?!? Hot damn!
2002-11-04 - So get off your ass then, you punk.
2002-10-29 - And right below the wily black widow/brown recluse/other biting kind of spider.
2002-10-28 - I felt like I may have had a contender after all of the buffet action, but I know that it is wishful thinking.
2002-10-23 - But the \"motherfucker\"-ing and calling my readers names will be the last to go.
2002-10-16 - The fifth dentist recomends Heckafresh for all your drivel needs. And brushing your gritters.
2002-10-14 - So unfair. She can eat porkbrains for free, but suggest I give up my body for compensation...
2002-10-07 - Plus you ineficient versions have to clean the top of the fridge.
2002-10-04 - Pork brains? I can practically touch my OWN brain through this thing!
2002-09-30 - \"I used to be a sperm, swimmin in my daddy's nuts--now I scoop the girls wit tha big ole butts...\" Grand Puba Maxwell
2002-09-28 - Yes, I think I'll be working after I'm dead.
2002-09-26 - Cut back on.
2002-09-22 - Bean is distracting me, I can't think of a title with her yapping in my fucking ear, so as per her request, I'll just call it \"work tomorrow\" and be done with it.
2002-09-19 - The knives were cheap though, I got 4,000 for three stretch payments of $99 on the HSN!
2002-09-18 - Pfft. 12%. It doesn't even convert into a clean fraction.
2002-09-17 - They’re just fucking pest larvae after all.
2002-09-16 - A vibrating broomstick! Do I have to spell it out for you?
2002-09-15 - Baby space camp is all it was.
2002-09-14 - I'd still throw her hat in a puddle though.
2002-09-10 - Don't worry about it though, I can heal you of your evilness.
2002-09-10 - I just hate the bay-to-breakers race.
2002-09-08 - Even maggots sleep.
2002-09-05 - Defecation forcast grim.
2002-09-05 - Meka-leka-hi! Meka-hiney-hoe!
2002-09-04 - Look at me! Updatin at 6:40am!
2002-09-03 - My feet stink, not always, but right now.
2002-08-31 - I guess MTV beat me to the maggot farm idea.
2002-08-30 - I can't wait to show her my maggot farm!
2002-08-29 - guide me, faceless motherfucks!
2002-08-28 - Sorry I made you click all the way over here for this.
2002-08-27 - Hmmm. Is it because I would, or wouldn't win?
2002-08-27 - Don't worry, she's on the pill.
2002-08-26 - I probably helped pay for your college grants so share the wealth for the love of god.
2002-08-22 - Thanks.
2002-08-21 - Heckafresh Inc. assumes no responsibilty for anything. The views that are expressed imply no guarentees, and I have no idea how big his penis is.
2002-08-20 - I gots an income!
2002-08-18 - A review was not necessary, but I'm too tired to write any more.
2002-08-17 - Since I am done lying forever though she’ll never find out!
2002-08-14 - kerplunk.
2002-08-14 - It doesn't matter that there would never be a next time if she can never be sure.
2002-08-13 - I'm a fucking liar.
2002-08-13 - Fuck you, kiddies!
2002-08-11 - As you would imagine.
2002-08-09 - I REFUSE!
2002-08-08 - I'm so rude.
2002-08-08 - Trying my best.
2002-08-07 - I don't care, I wonder. And I don't wonder if you care.
2002-08-06 - Bullet proof
2002-08-05 - keeper.
2002-07-31 - Well, maybe not me.
2002-07-30 - Free Doug E. Fresh! And let Slick Rick out of jail.
2002-07-25 - Heckafresh returns to the sap ranks.
2002-07-19 - Best believe I'll rock a comb-over one day.
2002-07-15 - Yes, fancy ha ha I mean.
2002-07-12 - I'd get shanked for him too, but happily more people probably want to stab me. Never mind why, bitch. Yeah I called you bitch, what are you going to do about it...HEY MIKE!
2002-06-25 - The drunks are taking only a temporary vacation, at least until Bianca brings her gun over here.
2002-06-22 - '66 Mercury Montclaire
2002-06-19 - Splice some mint genes in my barber's mouth while you're at it.
2002-06-17 - Who wouldn't want an un-sharp porcupine at home?
2002-06-16 - The motherfuckin Monkees, yo!
2002-06-15 - Killing folks is too worky for me.
2002-06-14 - Nothing about IRregardless in there though.
2002-06-14 - Except you, of course.
2002-06-12 - Yeah I'm a dork. Get with the program.
2002-06-11 - But not to god though.
2002-06-09 - I still maintain that I'm a genius.
2002-06-07 - No one but me pulls my pants off anymore.
2002-06-06 - You aren't as cool as me though, that is statistically imposible, dummy.
2002-06-05 - I miss those whiney little fucks.
2002-06-04 - I'm not a player, I just masturbate a lot.
2002-06-01 - On the subject of my nipples.
2002-05-31 - Grunt.
2002-05-30 - The curse of an idea.
2002-05-28 - Never mind of what.
2002-05-27 - The town where my mom lives and I grew weed was on the MTV weed special! You can see my mom's restaraunt and everything!
2002-05-27 - Jesus, it's 1:30am. I'm going to bed.
2002-05-23 - Fuck that shit is a good reason.
2002-05-23 - I feel you Einstein.
2002-05-22 - Operation boss begone. Status: success.
2002-05-21 - Cripes.
2002-05-20 - Your type always does.
2002-05-15 - If it rhymes it must be true.
2002-05-13 - 'Cept for that Ricki Martin, he's pretty as a picture, he is.
2002-05-12 - Slept like a three year old at least.
2002-05-10 - It's a good itch though.
2002-05-09 - BOoOo ADAM!
2002-05-07 - Too late.
2002-05-06 - It's hard for me to figure out why the pricks keep coming again and again.
2002-05-05 - Can't fade me.
2002-05-04 - Ready to get filthy.
2002-05-02 - Looks flat to me. And yes I called you buster.
2002-05-01 - Revenge of the gay poodle remix, feat/ P-diddy and Ja-Rule.
2002-04-30 - Snotty fucking bosses...
2002-04-29 - Hmmm, sounds pretty sticky, but which planet are they talking about? There ain't much gravity on mars so their glues needn't be that strong...
2002-04-28 - Wait a second...why was getting slapped fun? Oh yeah. Absolute.
2002-04-27 - Oh yeah, I built hella shit too.
2002-04-25 - Ghost love
2002-04-22 - You'll be the first to know...
2002-04-21 - This is mostly to bury the pretentious shit in the last entry.
2002-04-18 - Side effects.
2002-04-17 - Puh-puh-pax. Word.
2002-04-16 - Drugged.
2002-04-12 - That island is a mirage anyway.
2002-04-10 - Still on the fucking horizon.
2002-04-05 - HE'LL need to talk to someone by the time I shut up.
2002-04-03 - Love it and dump it.
2002-03-31 - First spadefull.
2002-03-27 - The worlds longest obituary.
2002-03-22 - I had Eggo brand Cinnamon Toast Waffles for breakfast.
2002-03-19 - I like metaphors.
2002-03-17 - At least Donkey Kong has monkeys.
2002-03-16 - You did get to choose between white or yellow bread though.
2002-03-14 - Tonya Harding would kill me though.
2002-03-13 - Anyone who votes for me gets to be a cronie!
2002-03-12 - Gold membership.
2002-03-12 - Being wrong is what made me feel the worst though.
2002-03-08 - What if the drivers had both been distracted by WCJ-L's ass?
2002-03-07 - I just added Sisqo to my spell check dictionary. I deserve to die.
2002-03-06 - Call Huey Lewis.
2002-03-05 - I hate my new guestbook though.
2002-03-03 - Don't do any of the supercool stunts on Jackass either stupid.
2002-03-01 - Why am I telling you this?
2002-02-26 - It didn't stop with sweater-vests, pal.
2002-02-26 - Not to relieve the pressure, though.
2002-02-24 - Do it for your health, do it for your family, do it for Pepe.
2002-02-23 - 27 going on the rest of my natural life.
2002-02-22 - Unfortunately, all one thousand words are \"duh\".
2002-02-19 - Happy B-day Blueberry!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!
2002-02-15 - If I win I'm getting that dent on my truck fixed!
2002-02-14 - Posted, lost, found, refurbished and reissued for VD.
2002-02-12 - But Bin Laden has the best shit!
2002-02-10 - End it. Please.
2002-02-05 - I'm too tired to be funny in the entry, nevermind the title.
2002-01-31 - I don't know how to spell Gweneth's last name.
2002-01-30 - No seriously, when?
2002-01-28 - And I'm sure Ms.M's getting me a gold watch.
2002-01-26 - It didn't fucking work.
2002-01-24 - Bitch it goodbye.
2002-01-23 - I didn't talk about farting durring today's interview.
2002-01-22 - One-on-one don't give a fuck about cussin'!
2002-01-20 - Mmmmm...Smack!
2002-01-19 - Despite all of this, I actually feel pretty good.
2002-01-18 - I'm eating toast. (It gets worse)
2002-01-17 - I had better not take any naps or I might go in on Wednesday...
2002-01-16 - Ha motherfucking ha.
2002-01-15 - Fuck it. I'm posting it.
2002-01-14 - Merging back onto the freeway.
2002-01-11 - Okay, okay. She just forgot.
2002-01-10 - I think I'll imagine my date with her now...
2002-01-08 - Me'n Wedgie are sorry, we didn't mean it.
2002-01-05 - If it ever starts working the opposite way I'll never be able to go to Red Lobster again.
2002-01-05 - Serious idiot.
2002-01-04 - The beauty of it is it's like holding a fresh new kleenex, just ready for the blowing.
2002-01-01 - I wonder what the tooth fairy would have paid for them.
2001-12-29 - Brains and Creme Brulee splattered on the asphalt.
2001-12-28 - Timely
2001-12-28 - Come on in and set a while, you slippery bastard.
2001-12-26 - "Oh my God, I'm an athiest for Christ's sake!"
2001-12-20 - I bum for Macy's
2001-12-19 - Shut the hell up, Heckafresh.
2001-12-18 - I did, however, open them with admirable speed and efficiency.
2001-12-17 - Plus my apartment would be cleaner.
2001-12-15 - And Bubbles' loss too, obviously.
2001-12-14 - The manager doesn't get to wear a vest.
2001-12-13 - I can almost smell it now...
2001-12-11 - I'm havin' potstickers for dinner tonight!
2001-12-11 - Heckafresh In A Compromising Position
2001-12-09 - Tougher than Leather
2001-12-06 - Boo, Motherfucker!
2001-12-05 - Herpefresh
2001-12-03 - Looking at hairy rags doesn't make me want to buy anything.
2001-12-01 - Little duck billed fucks
2001-12-01 - It does too make sense.
2001-11-30 - Patchouli Apes and Guillotines
2001-11-29 - The "P" stands for Poo.
2001-11-28 - Where did my brother learn to be such a punk?
2001-11-27 - Why won't she look into the future and see that I am not going to call her now?
2001-11-24 - I'm going to go look up the Martha Stewart one right now.
2001-11-20 - Shut up
2001-11-17 - Monkeys Always Loo-ook!
2001-11-15 - Well, we're both right.
2001-11-14 - All that rippin' probably gives you carpel tunnel anyway
2001-11-14 - And I didn't even study!
2001-11-14 - Call her and ask her, and imagine her in your old house when you do.
2001-11-12 - Heckafresh gets dated
2001-11-10 - Mr. Saturday Night
2001-11-10 - Bi-polarific!
2001-11-08 - Get It? My Mouth's Not A Person!
2001-11-08 - Haha. It's more than you want know.
2001-11-06 - I'm sure the baby one would would be cute but...
2001-11-04 - Submit it to Webster.
2001-11-02 - I wouldn't have to work if I were a baboon
2001-11-01 - Lazy
2001-10-31 - I, myself, personally am not irritated by redundancy. In other words...
2001-10-27 - Maggots of Despair Are Gross
2001-10-27 - .....
2001-10-26 - What The Fuck Is Wrong With Me? Oh...that.
2001-10-25 - Caught On Tape!
2001-10-24 - He's Alive!!
2001-10-23 - *Gulp*
2001-10-22 - Pumpkin King, or Punk Ass Kid? You Decide.
2001-10-20 - My ass
2001-10-19 - Ice Cream.
2001-10-18 - Responsi-motherfuckin'-bility
2001-10-17 - Take That Serotonin Receptors!
2001-10-16 - Typing This Title Is The Most Productive Thing I've Done Today
2001-10-16 - I'll Just Rent The Video
2001-10-13 - I Still Smoke Pills Though...
2001-10-12 - Where Blame Is Due
2001-10-11 - Your Music Sucks
2001-10-10 - Bert and Ernie Are Liars
2001-10-09 - Waking Up Crying and Sweating Makes Me Cranky
2001-10-08 - Fuckin' 'puters
2001-10-06 - Sea-bugs Got It Made
2001-10-05 - My Everlovin' Brain!
2001-10-02 - Revenge of the Gay Poodle
2001-09-30 - Gravity is off the hook!
2001-09-28 - Einstein was a buffoon
2001-09-27 - Virgins are sexual deviants
2001-09-26 - Healthy Cigarettes
2001-09-25 - Terrorism or haterism?
2001-09-24 - Poop instead of shit
2001-09-23 - Comfort
2001-09-22 - I know everything
2001-09-21 - someone stick a sock in my mouth!
2001-09-21 - Rant.
2001-09-20 - Normalcy
2001-09-19 - They all want me, afterall
2001-09-18 - oops...
2001-09-17 - -Destroy your fantasy
2001-09-15 - Gardenhose
2001-09-13 - Hello