Get your own
 diary at! contact me older entries newest entry

4:26 p.m. - 2001-09-26
Healthy Cigarettes
I gots my haircut today. And returned merchandise at Comp. USA. I hope to never set foot in that store again. I went to supercutS to get my trim. That place sucks in general, but my little brother told me that if you go to the one near Castro street, there is a higher ratio of gay men working there, and thus you are likely to get a better haircut. I don't know if his theory always pans out, but I noticed that the guy who cut my hair today, sexual preference unknown, spent about twice as long getting it right as the last woman who sheared me.

I still look like a dork.

I've recently been wrestling with a tough decision and, thanks to the little angel cartoon on my left shoulder exiling (temporarily I'm sure) the little devil cartoon on my right, by jabbin' him in the ass with his own pitchfork, I've decided to give up certain wealth, fortune and acclaim for the good of mankind.

This action is coming in the form of releasing one of my billion dollar ideas out to the public, to be picked up and developed by people who have the resources to make it happen.

Those who know me well, know that I have more brains than drive, and frequently come up with brilliant ideas, ideas that could change life as we know it, but that I probably won't get off my ass to do anything about it as long as cartoons are on. These are not "get rich quick schemes", but rather, ways to make a lot of money, and fast.

This is one of my prize jewels. Believe me, whoever develops this baby is going to be set for life. I always dreamed that that someone would be me, but the social good to be gained by the use of this product eclipses my own interests, and has forced me to come to terms with the fact that I'm lazy, and I'd better let someone else make sure that this product will get to the public ASAP.

The idea?

Healthy cigarettes. Cigarettes that deliver not only tar, nicotine and carcinogenic chemicals to the smoker, but a host of anti-oxidants and vitamins to counter the ill effects that occur with the enjoyment of traditional tobacco products.

Because I have a big mouth, I have told many of my friends, family and co-workers my idea, (they are lazier than me for the most part, so I wasn't worried about any of them stealing my glory) and have been asked the same questions repeatedly. Since I'm sure anyone reading this probably suffers from the same lack of vision as those name calling, eye-rolling, turn-your-extended-index-finger-in-a-clockwise-motion-by-your-ear-to-indicate-the-international-sign-for-coo-coo nay sayers, I give the following:


Q. How did you come up with that stupid idea?

A. From doing drugs. No! That is not explanation enough! Look, I'm sure you are familiar with the many ways users (who are losers by the way kids) partake in the various forms of narcotic i.e. taking a tablet of MDMA or smoking a marijuana cigarette. We've all seen that movie where Ewan McGreggor does heroin by putting it up his bum, but they already make healthy suppositories so there is no fortune to be made there. Anyway, If you can get high in all these different ways, from needles to pills to sniffing stuff to yes, suppositories, and the same afore mentioned devices have been used to deliver life saving medicines, allergy relief and stool looseners, that leaves one stone unturned. Smoking your medicines.

Q. Is that possible?

A. Yes, of course it is. Don't be dim. If the U.S. could fool the entire population into thinking that we've landed on the moon,(except my friend Jake's Gramma who informed me that it was a hoax) anything's possible.


A.'the fuck do I know? I'm not a research scientist am the idea man, shit I'll probably even hire someone just to cash all the checks I get for this. Leave the details to the 'puter nerds and such, I'll be busy picking out my tux for the Nobel Prize Award Dinner and Gala.

Q. Are there going to be flavors?

A. Regular and menthol.

Q.What are you going to do with all that money?

A.Well let's just say that if you call any of my idea's stupid again, you're going to make the list of "People Who I'm Going to Crush With All My Money" in my electronic organizer. And I'll donate some to charity for the tax relief of course.

So there it is. I just feel good knowing that people are going to be healthfully puffing away sometime soon. I do hope that the ultimate developer of the product gives me a nod, maybe "Heckafresh Lights" brand or something?

Oh, and for all those out there who were just biding their time, hoping they could call my ideas stupid again, trust me, I got a whole slew of million dollar ideas that I don't need to give away because they won't help nobody. Watch your step, I may need that list yet.


previous - next

about me - read my profile! read other Diar
yLand diaries! recommend my diary to a friend! Get
 your own fun + free diary at!