11:16 a.m. - 2001-10-13
This will be the first night I spend away from the computer as well. It feels like any of my other "addictions". My draw to it is not irresistible, it is just stronger than my will to stay away for now.
Everything that has become an obsession for me in my life has always turned on me, or more accurately, out lived it's usefulness. When I was dulling my brain with THC five or six times a day, it served a very useful purpose. It reduced the viscosity of a mind prone to overheating. Eventually, it lost that power and became unpleasant. So I quit.
The realization of where the habit had led me in life came about in short order. My friends had only the ritual of inebriation to share with me, and I no more with them.
I often miss my old relationship with marijuana. Like an ex-girl friend, I remember the good times fondly, but know that we have outgrown each other and it could never be the same. And like an ex- I can either regret the fact that we stayed together too long, or take it as a learning experience.
This new relationship with my computer will play itself out in a similar fashion I expect. Maybe I'll be writing for years, and this diary will grow with me. Or perhaps I'll wake up one day next month and realize that it has become an empty exercise repeated out of habit.
Oddly, I am able to take it for what it is worth for now. This has not been my forte historically. I don't know what happened to my need to know the future. What it has left me with is a much calmer, yet more exciting footing in the present. I am not used to it yet, but I have an uneasy confidence that it is where I need to be right now.
"...Psychological warfare for the Holy,