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2:09 p.m. - 2001-10-19 The nagging persistent idea that everything will work out on it's own is disintegrating like an Alka-Seltzer tablet in a glass of tap water. So fast. So fucking fast. It's either too much or not enough. Or just right I guess. Must work. Refrigerator is shitty. Landlord wants to split the cost with us because she just lowered our rent $50. Partner is moving. Job offer to build log cabins for Russian millionaire rancher in Chile. Jane ambiguous about whether staying with me is best. Me ambiguous about whether staying with her is best. Ability to take on business solo unquestionable. Desire to take on business solo in question without a doubt. Secondary income dangerous and iffy. Brain function recovering but ensuing overload promises circuit jam. The rebuilding of walls is apparent. Not yet able to view them with perspective. They grow............. Should I pass I up the chance to see Chile and more importantly, not see the U.S. for a while? Should I pass up the chance to make a move on my own little version of the capitalist dream? Should I give Jane the chance to reclaim her freedom from the terrible synapses? Should I escape? Can I escape? $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ Whatifwhatifwhatifwhatifwhatifwhatifwhatifwhatifwhatifwhatufwhatifwhatifwhatifwhatidwjhaitfwhaitfhwaithfwhaithftwiahft. ? Avoiding decisions...letting circumstance decide. Letting opportunity dry up to make options narrow on their own. Being a fucking child. Having someone else be responsible. Someone else be to blame. Someone else holding the motherfucking bag. Making the decision is the hard part-paying the consequences is always easier. I don't regret a thing. I do regret the pain of the choice... Last week was easy. Skate. Chile. Business. 9-5. Chocolate. Vanilla. Strawberry. I'm going to bed, wake me when I don't have a choice. Whew. Anyway... Why do we value intelligence so much more than beauty? Or I should ask, why do we try to pretend we do? Should we? People are born with a certain capacity to learn. Why should the gift of inteligence that certain people are given from birth be seen as more worthwhile or important than that of someone who has won the genetic lottery in a more physical sense? People often complain "they're just getting by on their looks," or something similar. You seldom hear someone bitching that people are just getting by on their brain. Why not? It is not someone's fault that they do not have the gift of analytical thinking any more than it is their fault for being short, bald, pimpled, or just plain ugly. So why do we lament when people use their eye-candy status to climb the social ladder? Why do we hate the fact that they can? Beautiful people do offer something to the world. We don't begrudge the athlete their victories, even though the athletic ability that they were born with plays a vital role in their success. What the fuck is intelligence anyway? Is it the ability to absorb and retain the written word? Is it the ability see a problem and visualize a solution? Is it the ability to communicate your ideas to others in a way that they can understand? Is it the ability to make a lightning fast decision and have your muscles react instantly? Is it the ability to survive with the least amount of effort exerted? Couldn't it also be the ability to have others take care of you because they want to sleep with you? Unfortunatly for me, I gots to rely on the ol' thinkpiece instead of what's stuck to the front of it. Shitty for me but Ima try not to be bitter toward those that can't think for themselves- and don't have to. Fuck that- to hell with you pretty motherfuckers!
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