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5:08 p.m. - 2001-10-23
Well I'm sure everyone has heard the terrible news that ironing your mail will not kill the anthrax spores that bin Laden has mailed to your house. I, myself, personally however, plan to continue to run my ol' dewrinklefyer over my incoming envelopes, because I have discovered the delight of opening a warm, toasty bill on a brisk autumn day.

For those of you who are still worried that the terrorists are plotting to send an infected letter to you, I have developed a four part plan that will put your mind at ease.

Four Part Plan To Stop Worrying About Anthrax The Heckafresh Way

A.Go find the stub from your last paycheck.

B.Note that it does not say pay to the order of Tom Brokaw, any other media personality, politician or public figure of any kind.

C.Take a moment to realize that even Carrot Top has more value as a house hold name than you do, and that you'd be better served using your time to worry about how you'll spend your lotto winnings or what you'll say to Brad Pit when he asks you to leave your husband and run away with him.

D.Go watch Springer and mute all of the News briefs when they come on.

In other news, our landlord agreed to upgrade our fridge on the condition that we pay a $10 a month increase in rent. Since I'm certain that the molds growing on our food in our existing fridge could very well be used for bio terrorism I said "Fuck it" and told them "deliver that motherfucker."

The funny part is that she asked us to lie to the other building tenants, and tell them that we are paying for the new fridge ourselves so's they don't all line up single file and demand working appliances of their own. As I mentioned yesterday, two of my best friends live next door to us. On the list of people I would lie for, my landlord ranks pretty fucking low. On the list of people I would lie to, Curtis and Miguel rank even lower ( unless of course, it is for my amusement.)

So the first thing I did when I hung up was cross the stairwell and tell them. To my delight, the truth in this case created an amusing result of it's own. Upon hearing the news, Miguel stomped around, made me look at the dead bugs that have accumulated in their fridge, swore that they were going to call the rental board, and then sat back down on the couch. It was kind of like feeding fish-a flurry of activity then business as usual.

I can't wait to remind them about it again tonight.

P.S. While it's true that a "real American" would know which is the top of Elvis and which is the bottom, just the fact that a stamp is upside down on your Visa bill doesn't warrant calling in the Bio terrorism team. Wait a secondůVisa uses a postal meterů*Gulp*


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