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3:57 a.m. - 2001-10-25
Caught On Tape!
I got some feedback tonight on one of my entries via e-mail. It was so nice to receive that I decided that I would show my appreciation to all the journalists on my list either with a guestbook signing or an e-mail. I really have been exposed to some talent and brains through this little diary world. I never understood the draw of the internet before, but I sure see it now.

I just wanted to let those people know that I enjoy their writing, sometimes it's hard to dangle your ego, and even little bits of your soul out there. I wanted them to know that I appreciate it.

Anyway, looking back on my entries, I see that I have covered many of the important topics to make up a sensational diary. I have discussed money, drugs, music, politics, death, conspiracies, and lots of other things that the MTV generation should appreciate. But there is one glaring omission.

Sex.

Yes, sex. Sex sells as they say so line up everybody cause I gotta juicy one for sale.

Several years ago, I was introduced to a stunning beauty named….um…Lacy. That'll do.

Lacy was very, very beautiful and she was as aware of that fact as everybody else was. She reveled in it to be honest, and used her power over men for any gain she could. I went out with her and two other girls on one occasion and watched her play every man in the club.

"…um, why don't I take your number instead?" was how it always ended. I sat and watched her build up the hopes in sucker after sucker only to toss them back when she was done, like a sports fisherman's catch and release.

After the club, we went and ate dinner at a nice restaurant. She flirted with all the waiters and we got free wine. She batted her eyes at a man at the next table and he sent us some more wine. It was incredible.

The thing about this girl though, is even though she was visually stunning, she was all special effects with no plot or character development. She became very unattractive very quickly. When we ordered dessert, she turned her little game on me.

"Have you ever had tiramisu?" she asked me.

"Yes" I replied, "I used to work in a four star restaurant in Canada, I actually got to make it a few times. It's one of my favorites."

"Well I'm going to feed you your first taste of tirimisu,"

"????????…um…okay."

And she loaded up the fork and stared into my eyes as she fed me a bite, like we were newly weds with our cake anticipating the honeymoon. I'll tell you, if I hadn't witnessed her pulling this shit all night, I would have fallen in love right there. Even with my knowledge, a little part of me thought that she must be interested in me.

Then she called me Ian. My name's not Ian.

Anyway, this behavior was not restricted to that evening, and every single guy she met ended up getting cut down by her sword of sexuality. Because of this, there was a lot of bitterness toward her on the part of most of the men I knew. A lot of "she ain't all that anyway" and "that bitch is over rated" and such were uttered to help heal bruised machismo.

Then one day I got the call.

"Guess what E?"

"What?"

"Gene was cruising the porn section and guess who he saw on the cover of "lovin' spoonfuls volume 47?"

"Who?"

"Lacy."

"Shut the fuck up, get in your car and don't stop anywhere between your house and my VCR!"

Now something that you should know about my crew. We have never been anywhere on time as a group. We have missed the beginning of every single movie that we have gone to, and if the guestlist to a club closes at eleven, we arrive at eleven 'o five. But in this particular instance, we assembled in my living room at a speed that has not been matched before or since.

We anxiously awaited the arrival of the tape, most of us still skeptical that the rumor would prove to be true. Gene had claimed that he recognized a girl from the spice channel in ihop just the week before, and I for one thought that he was just watching so much porn, that his worlds were colliding and he was losing it.

He arrived and we popped in the tape.

It was her. Her face, her voice, her mole. It was unreal. This girl had yanked on the heartstrings of most of the six guys in the room, and if not the heartstrings, defiantly the libido, and here she was, doing it all. It all. She gave and received with male and female. She even strapped one on, if you know what I mean.

We were flabbergasted. Lacy. Pornstar.

Christmas came early that year. The best part was, the last time she blew off plans with me, she claimed it was because she had to help her pastor built a podium for church.

Anyway, eventually the shock wore off and amazingly, no one ever let the cat out of the bag and told her that we knew. I wonder if she knows that a half a block down from where she goes to the gym, you can rent her sordid past on VHS.

I don't hold it against her, I don't doubt that If I was in a position where every male that I met, young and old, has pursued me since I was twelve I would end up becoming jaded and using it to my advantage. I hope she is finding what will truly make her happy in life. She sure does have that one special kind of intelligence.

 

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