5:20 p.m. - 2001-11-20
Jane and I went and caught the matinee at the multiplex. I figured that seeing the 3:45 showing would cut down on some of the crowd and make the experience a little easier to enjoy. What I forgot to consider was that the littlest and noisiest type of crowd is very likely to be crowding up the 3:45 showing of the most highly anticipated piece of brat entertainment to come along in years.
I looked around the theater and immediately saw the error in my calculation as I faced what appeared to be a K through fifth grade assembly at the local elementary school. I felt the anticipation of irritation at dozens of kids not sitting down and shutting up begin to rise up in my guts. Then I thought to myself, hey, I'm the fucking outsider here. These little yap factories have been waiting for this thing for months, and months make up a goodly portion of their short young lives to date, so maybe I should be the one to sit down and shut the hell up.
So I did just that, and honestly I got more enjoyment out of watching the mini humans absorb the movie experience than I did from the experience itself. There were kids dancing in their seats. Kids trying to get handfuls of popcorn into their tiny mouths all at once ending up with more on the outside than inside. Kids running around, kids asking when it was going to start, then asking again, and again. Kids.
Then the lights went down and the previews started. First up was a preview for Scooby Doo that stated that the cartoon dog was going to save the world in his feature length debut. The little girl behind us informed her dad, and the entire audience that "Scooby Doo can't save the world."
I'm glad she told me, now I won't have to shell out the $9.75 to see the thing.
This girl was the definite highlight. About two full minutes into the scene featuring a talking hat, she suddenly came to realize that something wasn't right here and told us "hat's don't talk."
Never mind the goblins, the walking through walls, magic wands, owls delivering mail, living chocolate frogs…all that could happen after all, but come on, we have to draw the line somewhere and a talking hat is apparently where this little girls line was drawn.
She also informed her dad that he wasn't being quiet when he was telling her to hush, so maybe he should put more effort into worrying about his own mouth.
There was also a good part when it got a little scary in the dark woods and all over the theater you could make out little shapes jumping down out of their seats and hopping up into the lap of the parent next to them. I tried the move myself but dude wasn't having it.
All in all the movie was mediocre. The plot was thin, the characters were undeveloped, but there were some good effects. As I get older I expect a lot less from movies which helps me to not hate everything that comes out nowadays, but I still can't bring myself to endorse many movies. My friends will tell me a movie is good and then reply no when I ask them if I would like it. I'm a picky bastard and they know this.
So no fucking comment on Harry Potter, don't see it if you are a cynical bastard like me, do see it if you aren't and you can take the notion of talking hats.
PS Shut up.