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7:04 p.m. - 2001-12-01
Little duck billed fucks
Okay…so me whining about interhuman relations and emotional bonds isn't as entertaining as plots to chop off my own head. I get it.

Did you know that the platypus is poisonous? I found that out about a month ago when there was nothing good on TV so we were watching the discovery channel or some other station that tries to secretly learn you stuff.

It's true, those little fuckers have two poisonous spines on their ankles that they will clap together on you and inject you with a fucked up venom. This venom is the only one in the world that attacks your nerve endings directly, or something, I'm not sure, I was busy laughing at the way they looked when the monotone narrator was talking about it, and there is no pain killer that will dull the excruciating suffering of the receiver. They showed this man who's hand got all screwed up because he saw one near his fishing hole and picked it up by the tail. He even re-enacted the scene and demonstrated how painful it was by screaming and screaming and screaming on his way to the hospital. The doctors couldn't figure out how to make him feel better so he just lay there wailing.

Still, if I ever see one Ima try to pet it. Them suckers is adorable!

Humans are lucky we don't have any of that kind of thing. We really did get the short end of the stick compared to other animals when it comes to built in weapons and such. No fangs, no claws, no horns, no stingers or acid spewing devices of any kind. What can we do? Ball up our fingers and try to clobber each other or swing our feet around.

Don't get me wrong, I don't care for a punch in the snoot too much, but imagine if we were like the rest of the animal kingdom. Cats for example. Shit, if people had retractable claws we'd all be all scarred up and bloody all the time.

Then again, if cats had guns…well Tom and Jerry cartoons sure wouldn't exist.

Humans are just these soft fucked up creatures. We can't run fast, or jump high or lift fifty times our own body weight. We can't live under water, or fly, or dig tunnels underground. Our sense of smell sucks, our ears are weak and we have no scales or shells or protection from the elements.

Thumbs. That's what we have.

Well if there is a god, and if I ever get a chance to have a sit down with him, I'm going to tell him that while I appreciate the thumbs, I sure woulda had more fun with some of the other toys that the other kids got.

My dog always told me he liked them best.


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