12:27 a.m. - 2002-01-15
It's time to reburst my little bubble and give myself a good turn around in front of the old mirror.
This diary is not a diary. It is a collection of essays that contain carefully filtered bits of my life as subjects.
There are aspects of my day to day that will never see this monkey laced page.
I find myself in an amazing position right now. I am at a crossroad in almost all elements that make up what we call life in this society. These changes often come up year by year, but never have I had to make so many life decisions all at once. Every fucking thing is up in the air, and honestly I am at a complete loss.
If anything, it seems as though the world is telling me that it is time to really examine what the fuck I am doing and more importantly what I'm not doing. The old stand by of "when this happens then that can happen" is seeming emptier and emptier.
If I don't come up with a way to focus this intensity it is going to destroy me. That is the fucking truth. If I don't do something with it I will destroy anyone who tries to love me. I need to crack it like a fucking egg and let it spread all over the frying pan. I need to release it in a lump, but it is not going to be that pleasant an experience. I fear the pain of it.
I'm sick of trying to wrestle with it and control it. I just want it out.
Flirting-little reminders that I don't have to be alone.
Journal-attempts to impress people so that I will feel liked and less alone.