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11:07 p.m. - 2002-01-19
Despite all of this, I actually feel pretty good.
Being alone is the worst thing in the world.

A magician who has no audience. That's what I feel like. I have all of these things in my head that are useless without validation. They are wispy bits of dreams and thoughts that mean nothing until they find their home in someone's ear, and then in another's mentality. Without the home they drift away--meaningless.

I have always been afraid of being alone, I have always hated it. If I ever had anything to do, laundry, eating, shit even getting a haircut I'd wait until I could tag a long with one of my friends or my girlfriend so I wouldn't be trapped with myself.

Driving alone is the worst. When I got a cell phone most of my minutes were used up on the freeway, talking to whoever was available in order to keep the ol' thinkifier from talking to me.

Get it out of me. Get it the fuck out. That was the whole point. For the most part people like it. It's different, my little fucked up head, I'll give it that. It's interesting to people who think about the world in a more conventional or natural way so to speak. They like to come along for the ride--but they also enjoy getting the fuck off.

Not me, man. I never get off this ride. I am like a fucking magician. I can wow people with my little show, but when I shut off the lights in my room at the end of the night and it's just me and me alone in that vast space between my ears…

Let's just put it this way, I know how the fucking trick works, so it's not so amazing to me.

 

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