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11:32 p.m. - 2002-01-24
Bitch it goodbye.
We exert all of this energy trying to imagine things when we should know from ample experience that it is an exercise in futility.

It is never the way you think it will be. Sometimes it is better, sometimes it is much worse, sometimes it is very similar to the picture in your mind, but that is the rarest of the three.

I did some of my ridiculous dozy thinking this morning, and, because I'm a negative little shit at times, entertained the worst scenarios for both of my choices right now.

As far as taking the job, I thought about going in day after day to sit behind a desk and produce work for a boss who was very adamant about the fact that he is difficult to work for. He seldom to never gives compliments and always finds mistakes. He is intimidating and difficult to approach, yet demands that you ask questions when you are unclear on something.

All in all, he is a type A personality and expects 100% effort at all times. A direct quote from the interview is "I don't play the game for fun, I play to win."

That could end up being stressful. Actually there is no way that that won't be stressful. The guy who I'm replacing quit because of the stress of working with him.

I think that I'm up to it, though. I really feel like I can use his shit as motivation. I have been exposed to very hard personalities in work situations before, most notably on a fishing boat, and in that situation I lived with the fucker and saw him every waking moment for three and a half months solid.

As far as my school nightmare, I had a vision of myself hacking away at boring, useless GE classes at the ol' community college. I remember the last time I attended a community college. In my English class one of the students stole all the chalk when the professor was out of the room.

So, say I do gain a degree in creative writing or some such. Three of the carpenters that were on the various crews in my last company had degrees in creative writing, and my partners wife did as well. She was an office admin.

But it would be nice to have the opportunity to be responsible only for educating myself on the dime of the government and future Heck's sweat.

At this point I think that I'm going to take the job. It is time for me to let go of the idea of being a full time student and having the full college experience. I wasn't ready for it when I was of age, and now it may just be too late to get it.

I don't mean that I can't go back to school and get an education, it's never too late for that. But I have lived on my own for ten years now. I can't ever get back the excitement and energy of an eighteen year old out of the house for the first time living on a campus that is essentially a world manufactured just for them to feed their brain with whatever knowledge they choose before it gets muddled up with things as boring and un-idealistic as the real world.

I am bitter to be honest. I am very upset that the decisions I made when I was fifteen have had such an impact on what my life is allowed to be. When I go to the UCB campus I feel like crying as I behold the library and manicured lawns teeming with young people yet untouched by the ugliness of reality.

But it is gone now. That is not for me to ever have, and trust me, while I do appreciate the experience I've acquired through the alternatives that filled that time in my life, I still wish what I wish.

The most important thing about all of this is that it feels just fucking right. It has all come together for me in a way that seems like the world is ushering in the next phase of my life. Letting go of the useless dreaming and setting up challenges that are well within my abilities as well as being worthy of my energy.

If I can just get back to writing about nonsense everything will be in place.

Amusing nonsense I mean.

PS Octobergirl and I have started a fiction based diary called channeled as a writing exercise. It is a fun and exciting process as we are passing it back and forth, neither of us having a clue where it will go next. She is a very talented writer and is setting quite a high mark. The idea is that once we have established a good foundation, guests will be invited to contribute as well. I have to say that I am quite surprised at what it has evolved into at this early stage. It feels very much like an improv class, and I am enjoying reading what she has written as much as contributing to it myself. Check it out and let us know what you think.


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