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11:49 p.m. - 2002-03-17
At least Donkey Kong has monkeys.
It seems like the person who dropped the token into this video game bringing my little life force indicator up to four hearts was either,

A)Uninterested in waiting in line to get to one of the good games,

B)One of those little kids who doesnít really know how to play so they just push the buttons and pull the joystick back and forth and probably would have been just as content if their parent or uncle or brother or sister had sat them in front of an unpaid game allowing them to go through the same motions with the title screen and demo running in front of them, or

C)Need to read directions a little better.

IRregardless, they should have spent the 50Ę on gumballs.

I went to look at an apartment today. I am not going to take it, too expensive and no parking and nothing to compensate these facts.

Jane found a place and will be moving out on the first. I am glad for the obvious reason of us both getting on with our respective lives, but I am sad for the same reason. I had high hopes for us, and I canít help but feel like not respecting that fact will only cheapen any future grand ideas that may serve to make my life feel like it is more than a bunch of bullshit motions played out for lack of anything better to do.

I donít feel like people really get where I am coming from with that. It is not that I donít find enjoyment in the day to day; for the most part I have a very, very nice deal for myself. I still enjoy people and trying to figure out what makes them tick, hopefully moving me further along the path to deciphering my own psychology, but I am also increasingly frustrated withÖÖ..

It just seems like a never-ending series of hunting out little irrelevant things that will fuel a short-term daydream of happiness. Each one will give you that little boost of ďIím okay!Ē and propel you forward for a length of time, hopefully long enough to find the next one. If you get yourself a good series of these little rockets you can feel good for a while, but it always, always runs out.

My problem is not in finding these; my problem is they donít work as designed anymore. I donít believe in them, and believing in them is the vital part of the equation.

The question that looms before me, the one that I dread the answer to, the one that can either mean floating away from this place forever or feeling the cool earth beneath my bare feet and knowing that this is where I belongÖit canít be pending forever.

I just donít believe anybody anymore, and my own name is almost finished being added as the exclamation mark on that list of liars.

Then what?

 

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