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11:53 a.m. - 2002-06-01
On the subject of my nipples.
Sadly, nobody seems to care about my weight room victories and antics cept for my Salmonella Sweetheart.

So the beginning of this train of thought is dedicated to her.

I have three nipples. Two of regular size and placement, and one little one known in the medical circles as a superfluous nipple.

For many years I thought it was merely a scar from a run in with an itchy chicken poc during my tender years, but a few years ago I noticed that on my mostly hairless torso this mystery mark had the same hair pattern as it’s larger counterparts. This prompted a closer examination, and dermatologist confirmation that my theory was correct.

I’m a freak.

I like letter C though, it is part of what makes me unique. For Vallentimes day one year when I was offering a shower head massager completely installed to my former love, I decided that presentation was the most important part of any romantic gift and set into motion the best idea I have yet to pull from my head.

I picked her up from work and rushed into the bathroom ahead of her where I had not three, but four lovely red construction paper hearts cut in not two, but three sizes. These were strategically placed over my not three, but four naughty bits after nudifyin’ and the water was set on low to create a fountain effect with the gift in question.

Sadly, timing is as important as presentation, and while the sight impressed the object of my romantic affection, she had more immediate bathroom emergencies to get to.

You, however, can imagine this scene without the distress she was under as I assume you didn’t just walk through the door this instant on your way to the relief station.

Before you wince and scrunch up your brow at the thought of my letter C, just know that I am in good company when it comes to 50% more. One Mark Wallberg suffers the same predicament and it hasn’t halted his career, though if you are like me you wish he would quit the acting and get back to rappin’ as Marky-Mark.

And what of The Funky Bunch? When are they going to come out with an album of their own? I mean, it won’t be the same as it was with Marky yellin “Feel it! Feel it!”, but if the Beatles could independently enjoy solo success, surly The Bunch could. Come on, they’re still a bunch. A funky bunch.

 

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