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3:50 p.m. - 2002-06-09
I still maintain that I'm a genius.
Ahhhh, the good old days of pirating cable…I miss them.

Back when I was a lad they didn’t have the new digital this and fangled broadband that. The cable boxes weren’t covered in juttin’ out wires like C3PO’s elbow joints. They were simple. They were so simple that they were even given a fake wood grain finish. I mean seriously, dealing with a cable box that looks like it belongs in the tree house of the Bernstein Bears had a certain confidence building comfort to the pirate, but now…

Any way, yesterday my neighbor ordered the pay per view boxing match between Tyson and Lewis, and I set my little think piece to the task of arranging the wires so that it would come in my apartment too in order to ensure a seat for every ass in attendance. You know my brilliance if you’ve been here before, so just as you expect it was done within five minutes, tested and working like a charm.

The lovely as always Kisha had decided to postpone her Birthday gathering until later in the evening as to allow the grumbling men-folk the opportunity to show up with out the grimace of missing the prize fight plastered across their faces as they sang her the traditional song. She is a gem, she is.

So here we sat, ready, relaxed, basking in the victory of outsmarting the bastards at AT&T once more, when suddenly the count down to the preflight hype froze on the screen and disappeared.

No worries. There was still an hour and a half before the main event, plenty of time for those punks to get their technical shit together. But minutes went by, then more, then more, and soon we were not so certain. Guests began arriving bringing the traditional beer and fatty snacks, along with the jubilance that is created in the testosteroned sort when a highly anticipated event such as this is anticipated in short order, but the attitude quickly turned to disbelief, even as the beer and snacks remained useful.

We called the company that was providing us this service and waited on hold for about an hour, a good sign we decided, as it probably indicated that our whole area was experiencing the same problem. When we finally got through though, we were told we were alone in our distress, and given instruction on how we might rectify it to no avail.

Then panic set in. The main event was slated to start shortly and while we had enough people in the living room for a lively game of charades, the others didn’t appreciate that suggestion. Pfft. They just knew I would win as usual.

So, in a last minute brainstorm I called one of my friends who lives nearby. He has a 65 inch big screen and I had been invited to watch it there, but I also knew that the prospect of bringing six other knuckle heads was one that may very well cramp the party that existed there. I was right, he said they had room for one or two more only as there were 11 in attendance as it was. I thanked him and assured him that his apology was unnecessary, but I couldn’t leave my friends to miss it alone while I enjoyed the show. I didn’t even tell the group how close we had come, and went in to stare at the blank screen with the rest of the long faces.

But then, my phone rang again, and he who shall be known simply as my hero from now on called me back and explained that he had a working box in his own bedroom, and if me and my cronies wished to pay for it we were welcome to order it in there and watch it!

We were off as the fight was ready to start. All of us, that is except A-dog who made an excruciatingly long stop at the store across the street for refreshments.

Damn it A-dog!

Anyway, the rest of the story is no more than us getting to see the fight, and watch what was left of Mike Tyson get flushed down the drain.

That is until we returned to my neighbors. I went diligently back to the wires to rearrange them into regular pirate mode rather than fangled pay per view pirate, when something didn’t seem right. Where the hell was the input? It couldn’t be that one on the floor, right? I mean, I had it plugged in and working previously, right?

Well, friends, if you pull your TV stand out to be more centered in the room, and there seems to be resistance that feels like…oh I don’t know…an input wire…maybe quit with the yanking.

That’s all I want to say about it.


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