12:28 p.m. - 2002-06-17
Who wouldn't want an un-sharp porcupine at home?
There is that moment when I�m drifting off to sleep that gives my mind the freedom to dance between the dream world and the physical world. This is when I get all my best ideas. I can never tell if they are really as great as I think they are at the time because I have no way to record them. Sure I could wake up and jot them down, but I am a fucker, and afraid that if given the chance to use a pen I�ll wake up with an inky pencil thin mustache administered to my own grill.

This is why I wish I were a narcoleptic insomniac. I�d be a millionaire by now if I could just harness that period of brain activity and somehow develop the amazing products that would result. They could hook me up to some sort of device and the world�s problems would be solved. Self-cleaning laundry. Vegi-dogs with the mustard already inside. Porcupines bred with dull quills for pets.

Etc.

There is a store near my house that boasts the sale of �antiques, junktiques and funktiques�. Today I plan to use my tremendous sleuthing skills to nail down the exact definition of a funktique by example. I�ll report.

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