11:26 a.m. - 2002-08-05
It seems to be elusive most of the time, but when it is real it is unshakable. I love that shit, I have chased it for a long time and my pursuit of it was often based in the idea that if I DID something, made enough plans, put enough thought into it, figured enough shit out, drew a map to get there, etcÖit would be attainable. My life would make sense once I accomplished this or that.
I donít know what has changed for me, but my attitude is different than it used to be. I have gone through enough letting go and holding on and letting go I guess, to show me that the one thing that remains the same when all my plans fall apart is me. I have learned who I am, and lived up to and dropped enough titles for myself, enough labels and wishes, to know what I really like about myself, what I don't, and what doesn't matter much one way or the other.
Iíve ďbeenĒ a few things, and met people who were what I thought I wanted to be, and met people who were what I would never hope to be. I like myself. I like the process of changing my views. I like the library of mistakes I have to reference and I feel pretty fucking solid in the knowledge that the parts of my personality that have never changed are things that I am happy to hang on to.
I pretty much reveal what there is to reveal to people. I am proud of who I am, but I know that the accomplishments I have under my belt that mean the most to me are not all that tangible to the outside world except for the way they help me to engage in it. I know for certain that it will all be different in a year, two years, twenty years. What is important to me today will seem like a laughable insignificance in the future. The things that seemed monumental five years ago donít even apply to my reality this morning. This will happen again and again.
I donít need to know right now. I donít need to have it all worked out in my head in order to continue to feel like it is worth the effort, because the things that have meant the most to me are the things that have happened in spite of my wondering, stressing and all other expended energy.
The only thing that is certain in my future is that I will be there, and that no matter what my set of circumstances is, it will be this same motherfucker dealing with them, in mostly the same ways I always have, with hopefully a few more good volumes of experience to make the process easier.
In the mean time, I am going to hang on to what I want, what I have learned will help me to feel the way I want to feel, and try my damndest to let go of the ideas that only serve to get in the way of that.
First on the list of keepers is that I love hard.