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1:56 p.m. - 2002-08-07
I don't care, I wonder. And I don't wonder if you care.
Today is my birfday.

I am 28.

I am a Leo.

I expend a lot of energy to not work too hard, more than would be expended just working.

I found a woman who is teaching me things about not living by my intensity as if it is the key to life.

It is an uncomfortable transition, but one I have wanted to make for a long time.

I donít like conforming, but I donít feel the need to rebel against conformity at my own expense anymore. I think that means I am old now.

I love my friends, I love my family, and I love the people who give me no tangible reason to love them.

I love you, probably.

I love people for the reasons that they love themselves, and that is why they love me back a lot of the time. I also love people for reasons that they are not wholly aware of, and that is why I love myself a lot of the time.

Plus I love passion and responsibility, though the latter has been dropped lately. I am in the process of chasing that roly-poly motherscratcher down and pick it back up.

I am not scared to be myself anymore, and I am not scared of people not liking it too much anymore either. Not like I used to be. But one thing that does scare me is how that fact can be so threatening to other people. This makes me wonder if it is a good thing after all.

I have friends who are not socially acceptable in their behavior, and thus are not well respected by most. I understand because the way they act makes people feel like they themselves act in similar ways. That idea scares people, including me. We do, just not as magnified.

Iíve ruint my ability to be embarrassed by embarrassing myself over and over again to immunity.

I will ask a question like ďhow big is the average sized penis?Ē of the people who would know. Not to be shocking or interesting, but because I wonder.

Iím not supposed to wonder that? Well, I do. Do I care a great deal? No. But I wonder. You do too, I bet.

It is interesting to me because my own theory is that the scientists lie to us in order to make the average man feel better. If this is the case, fuck you scientists, donít placate me with misinformation.

Now I will tell you something that you probably donít want to know. I am happy with the size of my penis.

And I still wonder.

Iíll bet you do too.

 

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