1:31 a.m. - 2002-08-14
I never will lie to her again. I never would cheat on her, I never would cheat on anyone, but how can she ever be sure? And no matter how much truth and certainty there is in what I am typing right now, that certainty can never be hers.
Because I lied. About something stupid. And even though I came clean out of the need to be honest with her, the certainty is gone. Because I lied.
Maybe if she hadn’t been screwed over before she would be able to say, “you are a dork Eli, you didn’t have to lie about something like that.”
Maybe if she hadn’t had her trust ruined maliciously by a selfish man with selfish motives she could see things from my perspective, that the fact that I told her now was an important step in making sure there was no dishonesty between us. But that is not the way it is.
The fact remains, I lied to her, and no matter how sure I am that I wouldn’t do it again, no matter how insignificant the topic is, I lied to her once, and in her mind she will always wonder if I am lying again when she needs to not wonder that.
That is what it is, and as much as I want to blame her ex, blame her even for being so unforgiving of something that seems like it shouldn’t matter much, it matters to her for a reason. An understandable reason. And I lose.
We both fucking lose. Because I am the man she wants. I just fucked up in the wrong way.
Anyone who wonders why I was so stupid to lie about this in the first place, it is simple. I made it up when I was a lot less secure, and later on, when I got over that shit, it was embarrassing to admit I was ever that insecure. Simple, and stupid.