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1:31 a.m. - 2002-08-14
It doesn't matter that there would never be a next time if she can never be sure.
The thing of it is, her last boyfriend lied to her about important things, and she was learning to trust again with me. It doesn’t matter what I lied about, or even that to me the purpose of coming clean now was so that I would never lie to her again, what matters is that I lied, right in her face, and for a girl who has been forced to be distrustful because her faith had been stomped previous, she can’t be with a man who did that. It doesn’t matter that the reason was stupid, and lie was stupider, what matters is that any time she is feeling insecure because of the last guy, and she asks me a question that is important, even when I tell her the truth she can never be certain, because I looked her in the face and lied before.

I never will lie to her again. I never would cheat on her, I never would cheat on anyone, but how can she ever be sure? And no matter how much truth and certainty there is in what I am typing right now, that certainty can never be hers.

Because I lied. About something stupid. And even though I came clean out of the need to be honest with her, the certainty is gone. Because I lied.

Maybe if she hadn’t been screwed over before she would be able to say, “you are a dork Eli, you didn’t have to lie about something like that.”

Maybe if she hadn’t had her trust ruined maliciously by a selfish man with selfish motives she could see things from my perspective, that the fact that I told her now was an important step in making sure there was no dishonesty between us. But that is not the way it is.

The fact remains, I lied to her, and no matter how sure I am that I wouldn’t do it again, no matter how insignificant the topic is, I lied to her once, and in her mind she will always wonder if I am lying again when she needs to not wonder that.

That is what it is, and as much as I want to blame her ex, blame her even for being so unforgiving of something that seems like it shouldn’t matter much, it matters to her for a reason. An understandable reason. And I lose.

We both fucking lose. Because I am the man she wants. I just fucked up in the wrong way.

I lied.

Anyone who wonders why I was so stupid to lie about this in the first place, it is simple. I made it up when I was a lot less secure, and later on, when I got over that shit, it was embarrassing to admit I was ever that insecure. Simple, and stupid.

 

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