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5:15 p.m. - 2002-09-03
My feet stink, not always, but right now.
You ever feel scared for no reason? Like there is some undersurface pressure that is building, tectonic plate style, that will eventually make the earth shake and adrenaline rush and fear embitter the back of your tongue in that way it does when you almost turn left into a pile of pedestrians because you arenít paying attention and no matter how widely you avert tragedy it still makes your grip on the steering wheel tighten a few blocks later because you know that you didnít see them as soon as you should have?

Nightmaresónot the wake up sweating kind but the something goes wrong in a believable way kind that leave you feeling uneasy for the rest of the day. A slightly distracted state of mind that dulls your humor and dampens your ability to feel contented even though nothing observable is wrong. Leaving the house with the feeling that you are forgetting something that you need, but not having the discovery of such come to pass.

Not yourself.

MTV giving awards is akin to taking anyoneís individual top one hundred album list as something to base merit on. I really donít care what MTV thinks is the best Rap video out of the five pieces of shit that they somehow deemed worthy of nomination. All of their awards fall into one categoryópop. Pop-rock, pop-R&B, pop-rap, new pop-artist. Itís a fame award show.

You know the real problem that people like me who think they know everything face? It isnít that we think we know everything, because we donít really, it is that we actually do know a lot and get fucked into believing that we therefore are able to trust our own logic based on percentage. If I am able to fill in the blanks with believable plugs, I will go with it and succeed a lot of the time, but my trust in that method is over extended. It makes sense, so it is right until proven wrong. That makes me an asshole.

Another thing that makes me an asshole is I treat myself like shit in my head, and sometimes talk to you the way I talk to myself. Iím not always fair to myself, and thus, Iím not always fair to others.

I have a job now which means I can pay for head shrinking again. Iím glad for this, as I donít want to my spine to buckle and my guts to leak out. I need those things for standing up and digesting and what have you.

Fuck you television, for making it all look so simple.


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