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4:59 p.m. - 2002-09-30
\"I used to be a sperm, swimmin in my daddy's nuts--now I scoop the girls wit tha big ole butts...\" Grand Puba Maxwell
I had the most romantical notion EVER the other day, and Bean, as is her girlish way, didn’t find the beauty in it.

See we all know about the miracle of life starting in the scrotum of our pops, but did you ever stop to think that somehow you and your significant other were both at one point merely sperms? I mean think about it, the person that you are all amoured with could have just as easily been shot into a condom, or a tissue, or even deployed in some Bill Clintonesque form of non sexual relations instead of deposited in the proper place to find purchase in your moms. Not only that, your lover had a mix of good luck and stamina to win the swim meet and become the next genetic representation of their pop’s bloodline.

Now the romantic part is when we pretend that fate has had us set up from go to be together, but it occurred to me that maybe fate stepped in way back the day we were ejaculated!

That’s romance, stupid. Destine since semen. The moonlit nights and flowers have been done to death, the “Your hair is like pure beauty overflowing, trying to escape as even it is aware that no one being should posses so much of it” is old hat, even the suicide pacts are cliché, but love that was written since we was only cum is brand-motherfucking-new.

I win, Shakespeare.

Speaking of the miracle of life, Bean and I have decided that we will speak in fake southern accents exclusively to our first born, and exclusively in fake English accents to our second. Then, when they are good and trained to talk funny, we will revert back to our regular stupid voices and enjoy an extra worldly sounding household for years to come.

Man our kids are gong to be fucked up! They’ll prolly grow up to be train robbers, or write books about how their parents screwed them over. Either way, they’ll be rich and that means early retirement for yours truly!

Cha-ching!

 

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