|
|
11:16 p.m. - 2002-11-12 Something is not right with my inner workings. I was told by my moms one time that there are three parts of your life that all come together in a mood making or breaking synergy. Your home life as in how you feel about your living situation, your love life, and your work. In general one out of three can be out of wack at any given time and you will still be allowed a good measure of contentment over all. Two out of three in a state of badness creates disquiet to depression. Three strikes and you�re fucked. I have had three out of three pretty mashed up recently, and two out of three shitty for a while on and off, one out of three bad is generally normal and usual in my history, and oddly it has become comfortable if just due to familiarity for me to have some sort of problem that I need to address on a day to day basis. Now things are cool. Better than they have been in a long, long time. One of my best friends has moved in as my roommate, and my neighbors directly across the stairs are two of my other very best friends. These are not recently developed relationships. They require no maintenance whatsoever. My job is satisfying to me, and rewarding me with decent money and a feeling of accomplishment, as well as distraction and a place to put effort and energy. My love life is beyond what I ever expected to have. I�m with the girl that I imagined as a kid when thought about the woman I�d like to be with when I got older. I have never had so much fun with anyone in my life, and even though there are problems every now and then, they are fucking minor in the scheme of things, and seem like they will be over come easily by people with the strength and intellect that the two of us have at our disposal. So what�s making me feel so uneasy? It seems like I�m so used to drama, so comfortable being a mess that the alternative is disquieting. I feel like being a fucking whiney bitch has become my natural state to the point that the lack of fuel to that engine of doubt and fear and anguish has become its own form of petrol. Bean is moving to the city. We are taking things at a perfect pace. The intensity that we started out with has simmered down to a pleasing heat that shows no sign of burning out. The love we share is not based on fixing each other, or needing each other. Is that what has me krunked in the head? Am I so used to being co-dependant that I don�t know what to do with myself? I think that�s part of it. I think I need to find a good outlet for the part of me that yearns to feel needed in order to feel validated. I also think I need to take this opportunity to address some of my main personality curses, now that I have the ability to do so without distraction from more immediate problems. The big one, one that I have been chipping away at but still plagues me undoubtedly, is my motherfucking anger. I hate that shit! I fucking hate it! I get mad. Not as frequently as I used to, and not as bad as I used to, but enough in both categories to make it well worth some effort to conquer. If some asshole calls Bean a bitch in traffic it is not worth going to jail for, or getting my ass kicked for, or hurting them for, or even getting out of our car to look like a macho asshole thug in the middle of the street for. No, it is not okay to call her a bitch, but it is even less okay to act like a gorilla at a busy intersection. Also not okay is making someone feel bad because I am hurt by them, even if I am �smart� enough to do it while remaining calm on the outside, or good enough at it to accomplish the task with a few well-placed words. It is just not respectful and shit. I love me some B2K. They are by far the best boy band out. Raz-B can out-dance any O-town punk any day, and Lil� Fizz? Pffft. Lil� Fizz is tha bomb, straight up. Can you even imagine if B2K did a cover of �smoke gets in your eyes�?!? I�d be in heaven. Golden-oldie boy-band musical motherfucking heaven. I doubt I�d have it in me to ever get angry again if my ears were blessed with such a delicate combination. I mean, come on, have you seen J-boog�s abs!? If he were gay, he�d turn me in nothing flat. And If I were gay I�d put all my effort into turning him. Sadly, since neither of us are gay it will never happen, because if some other man turned him gay I wouldn�t want to cause J-boog the drama of choosing between the man who turned him gay and myself, I care about him that much. I know what you are thinking, �well Hecka, what if some other man turned you gay first, then you would be free to dump that man and go after J-boog!� Good thinking friends, but sadly, J-boog is the only man on the planet who could do it, so me and J-boog will never be an item thanks to wicked fate.
|