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8:03 p.m. - 2003-01-20
I'm getting all the gang tattoos as well, can't have too many friends in the slammer.
Girls make no sense.

What the fuck is the deal with the toilet seat?

Looky here, I take shits—when all is going smoothly one a day--and during each of these said shits I sit my ass down on the toilet the same as every one else. Now, I pee a lot too, and this activity, when not done on my Wednesday evening client—I mean, always, this is always done standing up over same or similar toilet. The thing is, I have never once fallen into a toilet by sitting down when the seat has been left in male pissing position. Never. Know why? Because I check before I sit down. One would think that a female, who does ALL of her business sitting down would be even more in the practice of checking before sitting, especially if she has had a booty dip in her history, but for some reason it just isn’t so.

I don’t get it. An assfull of toilet water once would learn me good, but…

Speaking of assfull (Hardy-har!!) I started watching the second season of Oz, the jail house drama from HBO, on tape yesterday with ol Bean. I really don’t want to go to jail. Really. That’s shit looks like it’s for the birds, to be quite honest. I am a teeny, little white Jewish guy with an ass that just won’t quit; I wouldn’t survive a single day. And believe it or not, I have never shanked anyone even though I have made threats of the nature into this keyboard on a regular basis. I don’t even know how to fabricate a good one, except by theory.

While enjoying a cup of coffee this afternoon, I thought back to the days when I was a cub scout, I remembered the motto, “be prepared” and realized that I should make that my motto again for the New Year. Thus I have decided to teach myself to make a good shank so if I ever do get pinched by the cops for this or that, I can quickly arm myself and shank a motherfucker as soon as I step into the exercise yard on my first day in prison, which, as we all know, is the only way to gain respect and not become a commodity to be traded for packs of cigarettes.

I know what you are thinking.

“But Hecka, my dear, with what will you fashion this vital organ perforating device?”

Way ahead of you sport. As long as I keister a razor blade and a toothbrush 24/7/365, I’ll always be ready to jab and stab. And, if I get shipwrecked I’ll be the only male who is clean-shaven and fresh breathed, an advantage for obvious reasons. (Bean! I only mean for when we finally get rescued and I’m back in your ever-loving arms! I swear!)

So, step one, stow the supplies. Step two, learn your craft. This means one good shank produced a week in order to make me the premier shank maker in a several mile radius. I will start with the toothbrush/razor design, but move on to the concrete sharpened spoon, and the tape handled bedspring. At the end of the year they will all be put up for auction and sold to the highest bidder with proceeds going to my legal defense fund.

Man, Oz is a good show.

 

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