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8:11 p.m. - 2005-01-17
Poker winnings stand at eleven hundred fifty six, but Iím starting to hate it already.

What am I supposed to be doing now? I do not see anything on the horizon that will even begin to dilute this shit. It is past what it was. Far past what it was. It just forces me to contemplate what could be worth this. What great important moment in the future am I crawling through this for?

I have been depressed before. Very depressed. Severely depressed. What I am going through now makes me want those times back, because at least then I had some hope of reprieve, of a reward for my diligence. Fuck that. Those rewards were cheap trinkets, and the game is rigged. Am I going to keep putting dollar after dollar on the counter, ďthree more rings please" so I can upgrade from the Chinese finger cuffs to the damned nerf hoop?

And even so. If the prize is supposed to be some great opportunity to make a difference in others livesÖletís just say I write the most beautiful poem that ever existed. It touches people in a way that unlocks all of their pain, or gives them whatever they most desire. Lonely folks find companionship, romantic saps find true love, greedy bastards get their wealth, angry jerks find their outlet, stupid dolts are never again challenged intellectually, suicidal sad-sacks are so overwhelmed that their hearts explode and assure them a place in heaven guilt free, and you get whatever it is that you imagine will get you there. Whatever it is.

I donít fucking care. About any of it. Or any of them. My systems are shutting down now. It is painful as hell. I am tired of it. I am tired of this being my identity, I am tired of being disabled by it, I am tired of feeling like Iím walking further into a snow storm that will most likely, ultimately leave me frozen to death before Iím even in sight of anything. Step. And step. And step. I just want to sit.

Itís so fucking tedious. I canít even reminisce with a straight face anymore. At least I used to be able to laugh at it. I canít any more. The joke has been toldóbeaten into the ground. Yes, the absurdity of it all, ho-ho-ha-ha.

Itís not funny anymore.

 

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