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1:28 p.m. - 2005-01-20
Another brilliant invention that will never reach physical existence because of my laziness.

It all started when I began using the public transit here in San Francisco again. I’m sure this phenomenon is not exclusive to my little city so I trust most of yall have been subjected to it. I-pod adds. One million two hundred and fifty four thousand nine hundred and sixty eight i-pod adds per square foot of city space. All of the underground transit stops were taken over completely by silhouettes of people who were having more fun listening to their I-pod than I did losing my virginity. Dreads a flyin’ fingers pointing hither and yon, necks craned in rock-out-action positions. You’ve all seen it.

Now, before I have to back pedal and apologize to the 85% of the people reading this who have their I-pods on right now, please understand that it is not the individual owners of the device that irk me, just the cramming down my throat until the fist holding it exits my rectum add campaign by Apple. Every time I think saturation has been reached, I am proven to be way, way off in my estimation. What’s next? I can only assume they will find a way to rent the space on the insides of my eyelids and get me every time I blink as well.

But it is a good product, it seems. Everybody I know who has one—everybody I know that is, loves theirs. I would like one. The idea of listening to Little Spanish Flea whenever the mood strikes me promises to be one of those luxuries that would soon have me feeling naked without it. But, I am still a hateful, hateful little man at the moment. And poor. So obviously the can’t beat ‘em so join ‘em theory is out leaving the how can I get my piece of the pie route as the only logical one to embark upon.

But that market is saturated too. Everybody has beat me to it. Everything you could ever want is available to plug in, or pull over, or stick on, or wrap around these contraptions. I’m way too late. I need to find a niche that has yet to be filled.

What part of the market has been ignored up until this point? I looked at the dozens of folks on the bus listening to their favorite tunes through the little white earpieces. They all looked perfectly content with their set-ups.

“Outside the box, hecka…outside the….bo---I GOT IT!”

It is the ones like me who are being let down in the accessory department. All the folks who are being forced to watch everyone have fun with their gadgets but us. We who feel like bellowing to the heavens whenever we get a glimpse of what song appears on the screen of one of our fellow passengers' pods, and that song being a Asshlee Simpson crapfest. It’s enough to make one want to scream, “You don’t need that device buster! I go through my life trying desperately to never hear that song, and you feel the need to have it with you wherever you go!?! You are a MAN! IN YOUR MID THIRTIES!” And then finish by…

So you walk into the Apple store. You see the I-macs, you stroll by the G 5s, mosey on past the fifty-inch flat screen monitors boasting colors never even seen before and stop in the I-pod accessory isle. You see what you came for and take it up to the counter. You can hardly wait to get it out of its over stylized packaging, but first you start whipping out crisp twenties to pay the exorbitant price. Once outside the door you tear it open and heft it in your hand. The weight is balanced, but even more importantly, is all I-pod white. It is only a matter of seconds before your first opportunity to use it walks by.

“What is that?” a passerby asks. You ignore them momentarily as you swing and connect with the pocket of a man in a business suit sending white chunks of his i-pod flying.

“Why, it’s the I-smash!” You gleefully reply as you spin around and knock another right off of the belt clip of a bicycle messenger. “It’s new!”

Smash. Bash. Crash. Fuck everyone.

Eh, it’s nice to think about anyway.


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