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1:55 p.m. - 2005-10-13
Another Jewish Christ killer? I wonder who Mel Gibson will cast as me. My vote? Burt Reynolds.
News abound. Or abounds. News one of those two, singular or plural—too lazy to give a shit. Which is hardly news.

In immoral sinnish employment news, I got in BIG trouble at work. I am playing the VIP table now all the time. Big stakes and big compulsions. When I first started this job many weeks ago, one of my more seasoned co-workers allowed that she hated female gamblers. I took this to mean she was just a catty one, as she is a catty one. But this conclusion was based on more than her cattiness, I've come to find out for myself.

Female gamblers are very aggressive, as a generalization. Some are very sweet and pleasant. Some are in between, but the majority, who also become defacto representation of their group by sheer volume (volume meaning loudness AND numbers), qualify as some of the people I wish would shut up a little bit more if they could swing it. Screeching and whooping and throwing chips and demanding shit and yelling, “KILL! KILL! KILL!” at the hands of opponents…not dainty. Not dainty at all.

But whatever. That had been my attitude for the most part. But whatever. Something snapped in me early one morn last week round about 5:30 am right before quittin time though. The noise and finger-nail-on-chalkboard quality of the energy at the table had the hairs on the back of my neck doing their shit. So I made a bad judgment call. I tried to irritate them back.

The structure of California Pai Gow poker is too damned hard to explain, so forget understanding it for the purpose of this tale. The facts are as follows- I was banking. My banking had been hot all night, meaning I was getting good hands. The players thusly decided to do something called buying where I would be banking against myself and they would be betting that my bank would win. Don’t worry about it, you shouldn’t get it. Banking entails cutting the deck, choosing a number between one and seven, and then shaking a dice cup containing three dice to determine who gets dealt the first hand. Folks are mostly Chinese in the casino, and Chinese gamblers have a tendency to be very superstitious about numbers, and method of dice shaking, and all sorts of other variables. Knowing this, knowing that they had decided that four was MY lucky number, and being a bit of a prick, I waited until they had all decided to buy my bank, and then changed my number to one.

Pandemonium. Man it felt good. Until the next day. When I found out that many people had complained about me to my manager. And these are some skilled and accomplished complainers.

Eh. The moral of the story turned out to be that I didn’t take the players belief in the number superstition seriously enough, and they took my belief in it too seriously. To them they looked at me changing numbers as if I really believed I had some control of the outcome. To me I thought it would piss them off, but not because I was using my knowledge of numbers to take their money, just because I wasn’t doing what they wanted me to do.

The real luck is that I was blessed with the charms of a wily Garden of Eden silver-tongued devil snake and smoothed everything over. A table full of obnoxious women once again loves me.

Next, I demolished another pro online. Chris “Jesus” Ferguson, 2000 World Champion and super famous and all of that shit. I knocked him out of a tournament earning me a bounty of $69 (sexy) and a T-shirt. It was the sweetest hand I ever played because I made him do just what I wanted. Here is the email they sent me for all of the How do you know it was really him?ers.

Hello Eli,

Congratulations! You busted Chris Ferguson in a recent tournament.
credited your account with the bounty of $69.00. Good work keeping
pros scrounging for cash!

We're also sending you a t-shirt to commemorate the occasion. Please
send us your size (M-L-XL-XXL). If your street address you want it sent
to does not match the address in your account, please include that as

If we don't hear back from you in a week, we'll be sending an Extra
Large shirt to the address in your account.

Congratulations again, and good luck on the tables! The pros are on the
watch for sharks like yourself!


Team Full Tilt

SEE!?! Emmer Effers.

Lastly my evil landlord is trying to evict me and my roomies. Bullshit grounds, wants to raise the rent, hired a lawyer who has a link calling him “The Evil One” on a renters rights website.

To my landlord I say, bring it on Bitch. First I'll fight this into the ground, and if I win I’ll keep paying rent AFTER I move out, just so you can’t ever raise it. I’m just that much of a vengeful idiot lacking any sense of the value of money or priority. Bitch!


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