12:40 a.m. - 2001-12-01
The way Jane puts it I can't sit with myself.
This is true. Sometimes I wonder if that is not something I should be trying to learn how to become more comfortable with, sitting with myself. I know that we are all alone, really. I know that we are all viewing this world from inside of our own little theater, our eyes the screen, our ears the Dolby surround, our brains the projection booth. But there is a closeness that can be achieved I think.
My pop told me the other day that he understands my struggle. I want to live outside of the system, independently if you will. The thing he told me, the thing that I have been avoiding my whole life, is that if you want to live independently, you have to be independent. That's not what I want. I want to live independently with other people. If you don't think that that makes any sense then fuck you because it makes perfect sense. Everybody wants it in some form or another.
My mom said that I work twice as hard at not working as I would if I would just do whatever it is I'm trying to avoid.
Example. I have the knowledge, the resources, the connections and the intelligence to become a very successful commercial marijuana grower. I have done it before in fact. It sucked.
When I lived in Canada I grew. It was not unusual where I lived for people my age in my area to do it, I'm sure many of you are familiar with the legendary BC bud. I was good at it. I was obsessed with it to tell truth, all my waking thoughts every day for over three years were devoted mostly to gaining information on the cultivation of cannabis. And gaining experience. I grew outdoors and had a green thumb, produced my very first attempt. The fact is that marijuana is a weed, it will grow a crack in the sidewalk if you let it. But to produce the usable flowers of the female takes finesse, luck, knowledge or all three in the best cases.
I digress already, marijuana cultivation is still one of my favorite topics, but the point of this little essay is my relationship with people, not with the cultivation of a plant.
The story goes, after two mildly successful outdoor seasons, I decided to start an indoor garden. It was a lot of work, but nothing that I couldn't handle, by this time I knew the plant very well and had done massive amounts of research into the various techniques of indoor cultivation. I knew all the details of hydroponics systems I would never use myself, I knew breeding techniques to develop dominate traits, I knew how to grow from clone, grow from seed, hell, I'd even read extensively on grafting different strains on to the same root system. People would ask me questions and I knew the fucking answer. I absorbed more than I could ever use, in fact I've probably forgotten more about marijuana growing than many successful growers ever learn.
I was looking for a partner though. Not because I couldn't do it myself, but because I didn't want to. I wanted companionship along this little adventure, somebody to share the successes and setbacks alike. Someone who had a stake in the outcome. Someone who I could talk to about my fears and discoveries. Someone so I wouldn't be alone.
I had any one of my friends to choose from. They all would have partnered up with me at the drop of a hat, but the problem with weed growers is most of the time they are weed smokers too. Now don't get me wrong, even though I have kicked the habit myself, I know that smoking weed doesn't necessarily categorize a person in any regard. But it usually does, and in my case at this time, all my pot head friends were in a certain category. The one you are likely thinking of.
Yet I wanted it. I wanted this companionship so bad that I picked the one who seemed like the best choice, but in hindsight was merely the most convenient.
So we began. I did the research and picked the seed that we would use out of a catalogue from a Vancouver seed dealer. I went into Vancouver and bought the seed. I ran electricity to his shed and wired it to handle the two one thousand watt bulbs (one high pressure sodium, one metal halide) and suncircle light rotator and fans and timers and switches. I went back into Vancouver to buy the equipment with my own $1700. I gathered all of the ingredients to make the organic soil mixture including bat guano and fish emulsions and mixed everything in the proper proportions. I painted the grow space flat white to aid in light reflection. I planted the seed and identified the males, killed them, and cultivated the females in order to clone them. I set up the equipment and filled the 80 three gallon pots with the nutrient rich soil. I cloned the plants and rooted them keeping careful track of the strains and which mother plant they came from for future reference. I started the clones on the vegetative cycle and carefully monitored the temperature, humidity and exhaust in the room. When the plants were about two months old, after fighting off a mite infestation using organic insecticidal soap, I switched the amount of light they received each day to twelve hours triggering them to begin flowering.
Everyday I checked the plants. Everyday.
Yep it was only me. He didn't do a damn thing except exist, and while it did take some of the loneliness out of the situation, he really was just a parasite as far as the actual business went. But I was still happy to have somebody there, just to be in the boat with me.
I didn't do another season with him, although he did take his share of the profit from that one. I kept the lights and equipment and closed shop.
I learned something from that situation. I learned what I wanted and didn't want in a partner. My problem is, it is very hard to find someone who will fit in to the former slot. In any endeavor.
I have found it in places, my boy Curtis is the perfect workout partner. He will always give me that little boost of motivation when I need it, and if he is feeling less than motivated I never have to pull him too hard to get him on his feet. That's all I ask for.
My just ex-business partner would have been a perfect match if he didn't have to leave I think. We complimented each others strong suits very well and compensated in places where the other person was lacking. Most importantly, we had the same goals. I think that is the main point, you can get along with someone all day long, but if you have different goals one of you will end up either pulling or being pulled.
So what's the point of this long, rambling piece of crap? I just want to find someone who will do it with me, what ever it is. Someone who will give me a boost when I need it, someone who will not have to be dragged for long stretches. Someone who doesn't just like the idea that I'm selling, but want's to commit to making it happen.
Someone to motivate and be motivated by.
And as far as being able to sit with myself, I think I'd be comfortable doing that as soon as I felt like I could stop when I had enough.