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4:56 p.m. - 2004-11-29 Let us see now, Paxil, ECT., Wellbutrin, EMDR, let�s try this, let�s try that, finding info on the internet about dose splitting that not one of the three shrinks saw fit to divulge, a new pill that had a woman with no previous signs of depression hang herself on the Eli Lilly premises during the trials� I can accept that nobody knows for sure. I can admit that I don�t know for sure, but how am I supposed to trust the �professionals� when it is obvious that they don�t know either. Well, easy. They are the ones with the prescription pads. They are the ones with the electro devices to shock my brain. They are the ones with the PhDs and experience and seminars and drug companies wooing them with attractive sales people and the latest data released in the medical journal (by the pharmaceutical companies of course) and most of all, they are the ones with the freedom to watch from afar. Fuck you. I don�t expect you to know what can�t be known yet. I do expect you to admit as much though. Otherwise you can�t expect me to trust you. So I can�t trust. So I research. So it is all contradictory and inconclusive and fucking irrelevant. And I can�t even give them an F on their project! All I can do is let them feed me the newest chemical and see what happens. Yep, we�ll all watch with baited breath together. Zap me. Shine lights in my face. Talk to me. Get me to talk for hour after hour. Whatever you say doc. You know what I want though? I want assurance that the next time a woman who I trust when they tell me they love me decides to leave me more fucked up than when they found me, I won�t fall apart like a� Like this. I�m too tired to do it again. I'm too tired to be in charge. I�m too tired to know more than you guys do. And I�m just too tired.
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