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9:38 p.m. - 2001-10-27
Maggots of Despair Are Gross
We gots our new fridge today. It's funny how a base model, cheap as they come refrigerator can seem like a high class luxury item when you're used to shit. All the neighbors came and gave their oohs and ahhs.

It's also kind of funny that finally getting the new fridge is making me sad. Every time I see it I'm just reminded how things are not going to be the way I want them to. We always talked about how nice it would be to go to Costco and stock up on our favorite foods. Not have to worry about only buying just enough so that we could finish it all before the onset of freezer burn. Now we have other things to figure out. No we won't be shopping together. These are the things that make me feel the saddest. Thinking about the little day to day things that we shared.

I miss her already.

It is so fucked up the way humans work. Last week Jane had a take home exam for her human factors class. She is getting her Masters in ergonomics. The first question was regarding the rollover problem in SUV's. It stated that the most common reason for the rollover when a tire blew out was the tendency for the driver to overcompensate when the vehicle began to drift. This is why rollovers are common when people fall asleep at the wheel too. They wake up and notice that they are drifting, and over react, pulling the wheel hard the other way and causing a rollover.

Humans overcompensate a fucking lot. It seems to be our most common error in life.

Take politics. The fifties were too conservative for comfort, so along came the sixties. A lot of good was gained during that time, civil rights, woman's lib, general free thinking. Now we are beginning to see that things may have gotten a little out of control. Suddenly if anyone looked at you wrong, you had a civil case. So the conservative point of view is gaining momentum again. Mark my fucking words it's going to swing too far back the other way. Why can't we just find that middle ground instead of pulling like it's a fucking tug o war? Anyone who claims one is right or the other is right is not looking at the big picture.

Now I'm doing the same thing within my head. First I dwell on the pain of it all, get sad for the good things that we will no longer share. Wonder why we can't make it work, surely it's worth it. We're worth it. Then I remember the things that made it difficult and hurtful. At that point it seems almost like good riddance, we're finally free.

Back and forth. up and down, yin and yang, blah, blah, fucking blah.

The only time I feel right, completely right, is when I can force myself to step back and take it all in at once. Then it makes sense. Until I see our picture on the T.V., or find the birthday card I wrote to her that reminds me of a time when I hoped we would grow old in each others arms. It all comes rushing back, the memory of that feeling. Sweet, sweet dreams. A different time. A different place. A different us.

How long will it be before I can see her favorite foods and not have my heart jump into my throat? Thank god they outlawed lychee cups, or I'd be balling my eyes out every time I passed an Asian market.

The task ahead of me is to shoe away the pain, guilt, anger, sadness, obsolete hopes and dreams, plans that will never be fulfilled, blame and all the other exaggerated emotions that are buzzing around my brain, taking turns landing on it like flies on a pile of horse shit. Keep them from laying their little eggs to hatch into maggots of despair. (writing ridiculous crap like that makes me smile)

Instead I've got to step back and understand. That's what I'm trying to do.


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