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2:10 p.m. - 2001-12-18
I did, however, open them with admirable speed and efficiency.
Note to self: Do not spark tonight's shift at the fancy rich people restaurant by opening $300 worth of wine that is supposed to remain corked. You fucking idiot.

You know how in many a comedy film the very wealthy are parodied by having them indulge in ridiculous wastes of currency in a materialistic attempt to inflate their self importance and status? It's not so funny in real life.

For example, last night as I washed glasses behind the bar, I had the opportunity to overhear a woman of about thirty-five explain that one of the conditions of her recent divorce was joint custody.

She was upset because today was the first day of her ex-husbands visitation period, so she had come to the bar to get drunk on fifteen dollar glasses of wine. The man who she was talking to suggested that it was very important to women to retain full custody after a divorce because they needed the companionship so they wouldn't feel lonely.

The woman didn't make any gesture to agree or disagree, but did go on to explain all the ways in which she spoiled her baby. He slept only on three hundred thread count sheets on his own single mattress. His food was only purchased at the butcher shop, and always heated for his consump~~Yes, they were talking about a fucking dog.

That's it, I'm spending the last of my savings on the most believable dog costume that money can buy. I'm going to go down to the one of those pet stores with forged documentation of my breed and land me a gig like the one that lady's mutt had. Three hundred thread count sheets? For that shit I'd even vacuum up my own shedding and scoop my own poop on walks.

As bothGOPgirl and Russ of opiuminjars notoriety mentioned alarm clocks in their entries a little bit of history was shook loose a in my thinkpiece regarding the very worst, and therefore best, tardy excuse I ever had the fortune to hear. I was in a coffee shop buying a hot caffeinated bean water, when the girl who worked there explained to her boss that the reason she was late was that she could only wake up to the sound of her own alarm clock. Unfortunately, her roommate's alarm clock went off that morning. Though her roommates alarm clock does not have the power to wake her, even though it is louder than her own alarm clock, it does have the power to drown out the buzzing of her own alarm clock thus ruining the waking abilities of it as well.

If I was that girl's boss I would have given her a raise on the spot.

Note to self: I repeat, Don't. You idiot.


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