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7:10 p.m. - 2002-08-22
I fell. Hard. About five or six months ago, the precise moment can probably be pin pointed through these pages, I lost any semblance of responsibility, and a combination of not being able to care mixed with a drug that’s purpose is to not make you care at too high a dose, led me to a low point in my life as far as standing on my own two goes.

I am through it, and while I am overjoyed to the point of mania by that fact, it has also let a rush of emotion in that is maniacal, but unpleasant. I am just opening my eyes to how far I dipped, I am just beginning to realize just how close I came to losing everything, and I am also just beginning to understand who I owe for keeping me afloat, and how much.

I feel sick about it. I owe money and favors to everyone I know almost, and the payback is coming with a vengeance. My father and step mother, my sis, my friends, even my ex were all put on hold as I tried to regain my balance, and now that I am about to hit the ground running, I am able to see just what allowances they made for me.

It is hard to let people understand that you appreciate their help when you are not in a position to stop asking yet. And it is hard for people to let you know that their help and concern for you is stressing them out when they also see that you still need it.

I feel like shit in a way, partly because I really needed the support, and partly because I was unable to thank them properly at the time it was given. I am glad that they all understand, and while I know that I would extend the same to them, I still am not happy that I needed it.

Now, now that the relief is washing over me, so is the ability to have a less selfish point of view on the matter. It makes me feel nauseous.

Blech. I am looking forward to being my old self again. And I am looking forward to regaining the relationships that I appreciate so much as myself again.

Thanks to everyone who gave of themselves for my benefit. Y’all too.

Everyone who met me at this period is in for a better version of me.

Ima tear this shit up.


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