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12:52 p.m. - 2002-10-14
So unfair. She can eat porkbrains for free, but suggest I give up my body for compensation...
All right, I have something of great concern to talk to folks about. It is really important to me, as it is an issue that has impacted my life in the past and I want to let people understand that it can happen to you too, and also that if it has happened to you, you are not alone.

In the past, people were not as concerned with the safety of passengers in their motor vehicles as they are today. Now we have seatbelt laws and everything else, but there are still those who allow their children to sit in the cargo area of their station wagon, or even in the bed of their pick-up truck where there are no safety restraints or harnesses of any kind. Of course this is frowned upon by the law officials due to the danger of injury to these passengers if there is an accident on one of our many freeways or streets, but this is not my concern. While I do care a little bit about your safety and the safety of your loved ones, my real problem with this epidemic is that seating your little brats in the back of your vehicle the way I described above means that if I am traveling behind you, they are staring me right in the grill with their bug eyes while I am trying to drive. This translates to a bad case of the creeps for your truly.

Cut that shit out.

I put in two huge picture windows in a super crazy rich guys house by the name of Zane last week. First of all, his house was worth a number of millions without a doubt. Second of all, it was on top of a crazy mountain and had a view of valleys all around that was fucking incredible. Thirdly, he drove a corvette. Fourth point, he looks like Don Johnson, only younger and slicker. Lastly, his name was motherfucking Zane.

That shit's not fair.

I was thinking about how if I was a female Iíd be all over him, when to my surprise, lilí brother and partner Matty P. said he thought that Zane might be interested in more than just my window installation capabilities.

ďNo way!Ē I thought. ďHe has a wife and all. Besides, just because he has invited me to come back to his house to chill out for after the work is done, and has described himself as very openÖĒ

Moral dilemma time again. I donít find men sexually attractive, but he drives a vette for the love ofÖ

Okay, never mind. Besides Bean ainít talking about it. I donít get it myself, Iím all but a whore as it is, why not let me take the next teeny step and get some riches for it?

Speaking of Bean, while she wonít allow me to be a gay hustler, she was willing to get drunk and sample the Pork Brains in Milk Gravy this weekend. Sadly I didnít preserve the moment in digital photo, but trust me, it happened. I didnít partake eating any myself, but it smelled like cat food and was very gross. And I kissed her afterwards too.

That fucking Bean is my hero.

 

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